Relationship with in-laws
| Fatwa #1439 | Category: Marriage & Divorce | Country: | Date: 14th April 2025 |
| Fatwa #1439 | Date: 14th April 2025 |
| Category: Marriage & Divorce | |
| Country: | |
Question
Assalamualaikum Mufti,
I have the following question for Darul Iftaa.
Subject: Inquiry Regarding Father-in-Law’s Interference in Marriage
Respected Mufti Sahib,
I hope this letter finds you in the best of health and Imaan. I seek your guidance on a matter concerning the boundaries of a father-in-law’s involvement in his son’s marriage, according to Shariah.
There is a case where a newly married couple, reside in a far-off country and are working through challenges in their marriage by attending couples therapy. However, the husband’s father continues to interfere in their relationship, making direct accusations against his daughter-in-law and holding her solely responsible for any issues in the marriage.
Furthermore, despite the couple handling their matters independently, this father-in-law goes as far as contacting his daughter-in-law’s father in another country, repeatedly blaming his daughter-in-law for not fulfilling her duties as a wife. Meanwhile, the son remains mostly silent, and when questioned, he acknowledges the challenges but expresses that they are actively working on their marriage through professional guidance.
Given this situation, we seek your guidance on the following questions:
1. According to Shariah, does a father-in-law have the right to interfere in his son’s marriage, especially when the son has not sought his intervention?
2. Is it permissible for the father-in-law to directly criticize his daughter-in-law and involve her father in matters that are between husband and wife?
3. What is the Islamic guidance on maintaining appropriate boundaries in such situations?
Your guidance on this matter will be greatly appreciated. May Allah grant you wisdom and barakah in your service to the Ummah.
Jazakum Allahu Khayran.
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
First and foremost, it must be understood that once a couple is married, the in-laws on both sides become similar to biological parents in the sense that the duties one owes to one’s biological parent should be offered to the in-laws too. When this principle is misunderstood, challenges erupt within the marriage.
Having said that, this does not mean that either the parent or the parent in-law has unfettered access and authority over the married lives of their children. Harmony is found when each person remembers to stay in their lane and not flaunt authority, rights, or law over the others.
The foundation of every harmonious marriage is understanding and compromise. If each party were to make demands of ‘my rights’ then there will be little, if any, love within the marriage.
Now that the above has been understood, you have stated that the marital challenges have been acknowledged by the couple, and they have opted for therapy. As such, at such a time, it is in the best interests of the couple that the father does not interfere, and rather let the couple solve their challenges for themselves.
You have also stated that the father-in-law cites ‘neglect of wifely duties’ when making complaints. This requires analysis and detail in order to ascertain whether a complaint is warranted or not. Remember, it is never the case that a parent should simply remain silent and not say anything especially when they see that their child is not being respected in his/her marriage. Therefore, each situation requires wisdom and foresight before making a decision of whether to interfere or not. There is no blanket rule that a parent can never interfere, just as there is no blanket ruling that a complaint can never be made by someone.
Coming to your actual queries,
- The default should be that there is no external interference in any marriage. However, should a father see something that leads him to believe that he now must address the issue, he can do so despite not being asked to by his child. Nonetheless, it goes without saying that such issues must addressed with wisdom and civility lest the issue be exacerbated due to crudeness.
- A father should only step in when he thinks that the issue needs to be addressed as there has been no improvement for a justifiable period of time. Once again, it is incorrect for him to criticize in a manner that will aggravate the situation instead of aiding it. Constructive criticism is sensible, anything to the contrary is of no benefit. In such a situation too, the father can only first address the child directly instead of his/her parent. Methods can only be escalated when the situation itself escalates gravely.
- Default boundaries are that the couple should be left to themselves to address their issues. Yes, if things do not improve, or get out of hand, then the parent may interfere to try and provide solutions and a way forward. This does not mean they can interfere and cause further damage to the marriage by mere criticism either to the child directly or their parent.
A proper marriage is one where both the husband and wife are aware of the rights of their parents and in-laws, as well as the culture norms. Certain things may not be religiously legislated, but due to cultural norms (provided they do not exceed the boundaries of Shari’ah), a mindset of understanding and compromise demands that they sacrifice something for the greater good. How can spouses expect to live in harmony with each other if they have become the causes for a breakdown in relationship between the spouse and their respective parent?
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Bilal Pandor
Concurred by
Mufti Nabeel Valli
Darul Iftaa Mahmudiyyah
Lusaka, Zambia